Thoughts dumpster

Since no one actually reads these posts (3 of them once I hit "Publish" lol), I might as well take advantage of the freedom to rant without worrying about what people will think.

Self-realization: I am worried that how I process emotions have changed. I feel like I care less about what others are feeling. When I broke it off with Erik, it didn't take me long to move on. I felt very little change in my emotions. That's not really a good example since near the end of the relationship, he showed who he really was. He wasn't the guy I thought he was... I hated it so I broke it off. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if I'm getting used to these feelings that I habituated to them or that I'm just being realistic and true to myself. I want to feel what it's like to fall in love again. Ryan. He's been on my mind lately. How he was mad at me for wanting to be nothing more than friends was not clear to me. That's one of the things that bother me. I knew he was disappointed. We made plans on what to do on our upcoming, no-longer-going-to-happen dates. We went out on about five dates, we've been intimate and we've told sensitive facts about each other that we would not normally say to a newly found friend. I did like him very much. I like to think that he was the nicest and most giving guy I have ever met. I understood the reason why he was mad, he was disappointed. What I don't understand is the extent of it. I'm sorry for bringing you pain. I am selfish and I loathe myself for being one. I think of myself and what's best for me. When I told you I wanted to be friends it was because I couldn't see myself in your life. We h\d differences we can't overlook. You were so busy. A lot of things and people occupied your days and nights. You had so many plans, both short-term and in half a decade from now, not to mention that you plan on travelling to several countries and spending a year on each of them. You wanted to do so many things. It killed me that I felt stuck in where I am compared to you. I have to stay here for 5 years studying and work for many years of my life. I have to live with my parents in the meantime because I'm broke, ergo, I have to comply their rules and wishes. I felt... like a child compared to you. You were also a lot more experienced in life, it scared me. Furthermore, I wished I felt the same passion you have for metal songs (not knowledgeable about this topic). Maybe then, it might have worked out. I'm sorry for causing you brief (?) pain. I hate to see people I care about in pain. I didn't want it. I wish I can take it from you and stab my own heart with it. It was brief but I hate that I brought you pain. At one point, I had thoughts that I am falling for you. How far have thoughts come? Grief is soon over. Moving on is next on what-to-do-now list. I am thankful for past partners. I learned a lot from them and gained a lot of knowledge too. The best teacher is experience. Goals are achieved through trial-and-error. This marks the end of my rant.

Uhhh.. May 2

Hi blogger profile thing, it has been several days since I last posted something on here. There are a few things that are bothering me. Do you know that feeling that you wish you hadn't done something or regret doing something you did? The thing about dates is you have to leave a great impression each dates because otherwise, the hope of meeting one another again would cease. I felt like that. I wanted to keep him because I miss the feeling. I don't feel a very deep urge to have a guy to be with, it's just that, sometimes, I long for the feeling of being held and adored. It sort of completes me and brings warmth to my heart. Of course, a guy is not the only source of warmth or satisfaction. Nevertheless, it is my temporary source. I don't think that to be in a relationship is good idea for me though. I have a hard time trusting anyone and due to this, I'm very curious, full of questions and doubtful--or as they like to call it, "nagging" or "crybaby." This is made worse by my dislike to disappointments and inconsistencies. I get jealous at couples who have been together for a couple or so years. It must be nice to have an intimate relationship like that. You see, I'm not a typical girl (woman!). There were times that I had to do things the hard way. Did it made me stronger? I don't think so. I think it made me fragile and distant to other people. I don't wish that I'm normal or average. I hate normal and average. This is okay I guess. Anyway, yeah, I guess I didn't leave a pleasant impression on him on our second date. I just wish that he can see the other side of me. I am an agnostic (he's deeply religious), I have damages and sometimes stupid, but once you get to know me, I'm playful and giving. I just hate the feeling that of losing something I didn't really need in the first place. It hurts a little to be honest. Rejection hurts. Oh wells. Like all wounds, no matter how deep or shallow, they will heal if given time. :) By the way it rained last night hehe I love the rain :P

One down

Hello,


I'm Jen. This is my first "blog"? What is blog anyway? This and what I might post in the future are more like rants or interesting ideas and whatnot. So, I'm Jen! I don't know what to say right now. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say in this "blog". Okay, soooo... I guess I should write facts about me.


My name is Jen-Jen. I currently live in Winnipeg. I'm twenty. Sometimes I want to say that I'm old or that I've already spent 20 years on this planet but it makes me wonder when I started to gain consciousness and higher memory. So, technically, I've lived for 20 years but I was never really living in a sense that I'm aware of my decisions and their consequences. Anyway, I go to University, whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. Some people say that school corrupt our minds and dissolves our curiosity. Honestly, I disagree. I don't know about other people, but the fact that there's so much to learn powers my curiosity. I want to take courses in Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, Biology, Theology, Critical Thinking and others that I have not yet discovered. I don't think it corrupts my curiosity; I think it disables me from focusing on one category and be incredibly good at it. Having said that, I like Math. I've always liked Math. My best friend, Maricar, is a Math teacher. Between the two of us, frankly, I'm a lot knowledgeable and passionate about Math... Why aren't I the Math teacher? It may be because I'm more passionate about cooking than I am about Math. I like to cook. I always say that I want to be a Chef, but I don't really spend a lot of time cooking. Being a Chef feels so distant. Why aren't I taking Culinary Arts instead of Nursing? Nursing is a pain in the head. The process of becoming a nurse in Canada gives me a headache. The decisions that I make are guided by my past experiences and the society--media, economy, availability, location and whatnot. At 20, I'm aware of the decisions that I make and their corresponding consequences but am I really conscious? Am I really living?