Since no one actually reads these posts (3 of them once I hit "Publish" lol), I might as well take advantage of the freedom to rant without worrying about what people will think.
Self-realization: I am worried that how I process emotions have changed. I feel like I care less about what others are feeling. When I broke it off with Erik, it didn't take me long to move on. I felt very little change in my emotions. That's not really a good example since near the end of the relationship, he showed who he really was. He wasn't the guy I thought he was... I hated it so I broke it off. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if I'm getting used to these feelings that I habituated to them or that I'm just being realistic and true to myself. I want to feel what it's like to fall in love again. Ryan. He's been on my mind lately. How he was mad at me for wanting to be nothing more than friends was not clear to me. That's one of the things that bother me. I knew he was disappointed. We made plans on what to do on our upcoming, no-longer-going-to-happen dates. We went out on about five dates, we've been intimate and we've told sensitive facts about each other that we would not normally say to a newly found friend. I did like him very much. I like to think that he was the nicest and most giving guy I have ever met. I understood the reason why he was mad, he was disappointed. What I don't understand is the extent of it. I'm sorry for bringing you pain. I am selfish and I loathe myself for being one. I think of myself and what's best for me. When I told you I wanted to be friends it was because I couldn't see myself in your life. We h\d differences we can't overlook. You were so busy. A lot of things and people occupied your days and nights. You had so many plans, both short-term and in half a decade from now, not to mention that you plan on travelling to several countries and spending a year on each of them. You wanted to do so many things. It killed me that I felt stuck in where I am compared to you. I have to stay here for 5 years studying and work for many years of my life. I have to live with my parents in the meantime because I'm broke, ergo, I have to comply their rules and wishes. I felt... like a child compared to you. You were also a lot more experienced in life, it scared me. Furthermore, I wished I felt the same passion you have for metal songs (not knowledgeable about this topic). Maybe then, it might have worked out. I'm sorry for causing you brief (?) pain. I hate to see people I care about in pain. I didn't want it. I wish I can take it from you and stab my own heart with it. It was brief but I hate that I brought you pain. At one point, I had thoughts that I am falling for you. How far have thoughts come? Grief is soon over. Moving on is next on what-to-do-now list. I am thankful for past partners. I learned a lot from them and gained a lot of knowledge too. The best teacher is experience. Goals are achieved through trial-and-error. This marks the end of my rant.
